A REintroduction...

Well, where to begin? I am technically 21 but lately I am feeling a lot older than that. I Have two children, a two year old boy named Caleb and an 8 month old girl named Lilly. They're a lot cooler than I am, but that's ok. I also have three angels waiting in heaven.
Right now I am happier than I have ever been in my life, but it took a lot of screw ups, bad decisions and hard lessons learned far too many times to get here. But hey, you live and you learn, right? When I was 17 I went through a really rough time in my life. I had always been driven academically, which still stuck, but I began taking drugs. It was then that I became pregnant with my first angel. He or she grew wings very early in my pregnancy but I will always blame myself for losing them. This event changed my life, I stopped taking drugs and got my shit together. Hey ladies, we can curse on here, right? Anywho, I got my shit together and left the psychotic loser I was dating. Four years and two protective orders later, he is still a little (or a lot) obsessed.
Shortly after, I graduated with my 2 year degree and was dating my sons father. Shortly after, I became pregnant again. I was due on May 12, 2007 (my 19th birthday). At around 8 weeks, however, I began spotting and cramping horribly. I started running a fever so Dustin and I went to the hospital. I was there for about 3 days. many tests were run and ultrasounds done. Not once did I get to see my little angel or hear their heartbeat. It was decided that I had suffered a molar pregnancy and a few days later (October 3, 2007) I went back in for a D&C. I think I may have gone crazy after that. I was absolutely miserable and crying all the time. Then on my due date (also my 19h birthday) I realized I was a few days late. So, I took a test on my due date, my birthday, and the day before mothers day. That little stick turned into the best birthday present anybody was ever given. I was absolutly terrified that something would go wrong so I went to the obgyn as soon as possible. My HCG levels were a little high and I was gaining faster than I would have liked but I seemed fine. A few weeks later I had an ultrasound to be sure it wasnt a molar pregnancy. The doctor made an odd face and I asked her what was wrong. Her response: "Well I dont see nothin' molar. But I do see twins." Words cant describe what went through my mind, just know that they were happy words. I went home with this, two tiny beans with two tiny heartbeats:



Shortly after I did a google search looking for support from other women expecting twins and happened upon BabyCenter. I fell in love. A month later I went back to make sure again that nothing was wrong. I laid there for a good 45 minutes looking at two identical little alien babies. But only one heartbeat. At roughly 3 months, my third angel grew wings. I left the office sobbing that day, the pain of losing a baby never gets any easier to deal with. I tried to go back to BabyCenter a few times but every time I would be drawn back to the mothers of multiples and my heart would break so I stopped visiting for a while.

About 7 months into my pregnancy, I had the courage to go back. I fell in love again but was mostly a lurker on the January 2009 birth board. Then, on November 3, 2008 I got one of the biggest surprises of my life. Another positive pregnancy test. I high-tailed it over to BabyCenter that morning and posted. My boyfriend at the time had been arrested 10 days before and was going to be gone for a long time. I knew I would need the companionship. I still pretty much stuck to myself and read everybodies posts all day instead of working. There was an exceptional amount of drama and I just didnt have the time pr patience (or cleverness) to get sucked in. But one day I saw a post I liked and joined in. It was the first ever Random Thoughts Thread started by Mirinda. So, for the next few days I participated. I was talking to Mirinda and let her know if she started a group for us all I would be there in a heartbeat. And now here we are!

My first bloggity

I'm at work right now so I don't have too much time to type here. I know what I'll do...

The following is from myspace, a blog i posted about 1 1/2 weeks ago. It's still pretty acurate as to how my life is oing at the moment:

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So this morning I felt like going completely off on the person that made my coffee. I go to that cafeteria all the time and never in the two years I have been here have I EVER been rude to anybody there. Yet many of them are rude to me. Today she wasn't just rude, she was slamming things around like everything was shit and it was all my fault. And what did I do? I stood there and ignored her attitude and gave her my smile and said thanks. Why? Because you never know what people have going on. I would never treat a stranger like that jsut because I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. My life is falling apart and does she know that? Nope. She made my morning just THAT much worse. Does she know that? Nope. Because she is too busy taking out her stress on people who dont deserve it.
All the time people ask eachother, "Hey, good morning, how are you?" And what comes out of your mouth? "Oh, fine how are you?" or maybe the occasional "Oh tired, how are you?" But seriously, are we all just fine? I think not.
Everything is really starting to get to me: work, money (or lack thereof), Dustin, Josh, moving (I'm hella happy about it but stressing still), being a single mom, guilt, my family, even going back to school. Here's why-
Work- it's just not as rewarding as I'd like it to be. I sit in my office all day and do paperwork. How does that make a difference? Who am I really helping? I get up in the morning exhausted because I was too stressed to sleep. But I still get up, get my self together (not nicely but hey I try), get my kid ready and fed, then head out for another day filled with doing a job that doesn't make a difference and being asked how I am when nobody really wants to hear how I acually am. Come on now.
Money- Yesterday I had $29 in my bank account and the babysitter hasnt cashed her check for thsi week yet. I dont get paid til Friday. I had to suck up my pride and ask somebody that I cannot stand and thant thinks she is better than me for my child support early. I then had to sell my tent to my ex-boyfriends mom. Had to drive all the way up to the Woodlands to get the money and have to deal with the pain of seeing Josh again just so my bank account wont over-draft. And I'm having to sell the things my son doesn't use anymore on Craigslist because I am dirt broke. I have absolutely no pride left. Normally it wouldn't be AS bad (itll always be bad cause I just never have enough money) but I had a buttload of bills this paycheck. And I know it'll get better once I actually move but my finances are killing me. I seriously lay awake at night worrying about them.
Dustin- when is it ever easy dealing with an ex? Throw a child into the mix and it's just tons of fun. Yes, he is coming around a bit but still. He can be so mean to me sometimes. He told me I could talk to him if I needed anything or just needed to talk. I didn't think it was a good idea so I just sent him pictures and texts about caleb. Then when I call to ask if his new girlfriend wants a girls crib sheet that I dont need he tells me to "stop fucking calling him" and that I'm jealous of his new girlfriend. Excuse? Yes, he apologized but still, he will do it again. It's what he does. He knows some of whats going on so he knows that I'm at the end of my rope and he treats me like shit? I NEVER start shit with him because come on, we have a kid together, why make it more of a difficult relationship than it already is? I try my very best to be a civil adult and i get treated like shit. Hell, I guess it's really fun to kick somebody when they're lower than they've ever been.
Josh- where do I even begin? A few of you know what actually happened. I wont post it here because that would be shitty of me. It's really hard to put somebody out of your life that you care so much about. But I'm a mom now and I just have to do what I have to do. No matter how bad it hurts, I have to be an adult and just get it over with. But that doesn't mean it doesn't hurt.
Moving- like I said, hella excited but I'm anxious. Like, will I have a bed? Will Caleb sleep ok in my room with me? How will I get my homework done with him sleeping in my room? Where can I find a cheap dresser? How will I actually move my shit (my family has a trailer but mom has vowed not to help me). I can't wait to just get it over with, even if i have to strap my mattresses to the top of my little Honda and haul them, myself.
Being a single mom- that one should just pretty much speak for itself. I have to do everything with no help at home. I feed him, change every diaper, get him dressed, wash his clothes, amuse him, make sure he has what he needs. I am constantly worried that I'm not doing a good enough job. I mean, I do the very best I can, but i simply can't be a father no matter how hard I try. All I can do is my best and pray that is good enough to mold him into a strong, healthy (physically and mentally), smart, kind little boy. No matter how far I am stretched, I have to act like everything is ok because none of this is his fault. He deserves to know nothing about how hard it is to take care of him like I do.
Guilt- I am so sick of being guilt tripped about leaving Dustin. Seriously. His mom has bitched at me for leaving him so many times. I TOLD her how he treated me, I TOLD her he was violent, she SAW how he was (he was even more mean when she wasn't there). I tried so hard to make that relationship work. I tried until I had nothing left to give, I felt like a shell of a person. My personality was gone, I was stripped of everything that made me who I am. And I would have gone on that way if I felt that it was for the best for Caleb. But I refuse to raise my child in a house filled with yelling and constant verbal abuse (not just from Dustin, I was guilty of that, too). Dustin was raised in a household like that for years and thats probably why he is the way he is. And she realizes that. She was a single mom for years so I KNOW she knows how hard it has to be for me. Yet she stills tries to make me feel guilty. Told me I just "up and left him". OMFG. Said it looked to her like I only wanted him to have Caleb. Oh yeah, THATS what I was aiming for. Get knocked up by somebody that treats me like shit then have a really hard life raising a child on my own. Ya caught me.
My family- oooooh where to begin? There are a lot of things that have happened that I really just cannot post here. So maybe I won't say much about it at all- just that family is supposed to be there for you to help you when you need them. They're not supposed to try and make you're life hell by lying to, stealing from and manipulating you.
Going back to school- I am going to be honest. I am scared shitless. I used to be one of the best students ever. I got my AA on my freakin 18th birthday and now I haven't been to school for over a year. What if I go back and I just don't get it? What if I just can't juggle that and raising Caleb? I will see once I actually go back on the 23rd but I have so many uncertainties. It's tearing me up.
So, lady that gave me my coffee, was it that important to make me see how much you DON'T want to be giving people coffee? Is your life so bad that you have to ruin everybody else's morning? My point is, there is no use in being rude to strangers. You never know what they have going on. They could be going through a divorce, miscarriage, loss of a loved one, anything. You just never know.
When I drive down the road sometimes I just chill and scope people out. I wonder, what's going on in that chicks mind right now? How is that dudes day going? Ever think about how many great stories they would have? We go through life so worried about our own crap that everybody else turns into obstacles. Well guess what? They may be going through the same thing you are.
We all have a story, a struggle, a triumph and so much more. How about keeping you're head out of your ass long enough to see that?
I am in a very confrontational mood. Please pray that I keep my damn mouth shut today.
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So there you have it. My life is hectic right now and I feel pretty much like ripping my hair out non-stop.